And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father team.

I realized that the stupid adventures of teenage years can stay with you for the rest of your life.
Last night Jose called and told me he had AIDs, my heart stopped. All I could think about was my life and how incredibly stupid I had been. I was so stupid. Unprotected sex is just the stupidest thing in the world. There is no reason to throw my whole future away.

Next Stop: Vegas Please!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Today I hung out with Mike Suchadolski.
He is SUCH A DOLLSKIIII.
I have been making that joke in my head all night.
But he actually is.

He made me happy. Even if it's only happy for tonight, he made Jose go away. He made me feel like I can live a life separate from the one that Jose lives; something that I haven't thought about.

Hallelujah

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I smoked pot in a church parking lot.
I prayed as we pulled in,
is it still a sin?

Is it a sin at all?
Hotboxing a car with teenage hooligans?

You better go and get your armor.

I am laying here, trying to think of ways to be self destructive...

Cut myself? Out. Way too much of a pussy.
Clean myself of sins with a boiling shower? Definitely a possibility.
Stop eating? I fucking wish I could. I am so fucking fat.
Make myself throw up? I'll try it.
Down some alcohol? Beer? Hard liquor? Haven't decided yet. Very risky, should I take the chance?

Not hurt myself? Too lonesome.

How do you live so happily when I am sad and broken down?

The last time I saw Jose was August 15th of 2008. It was also the last time I was kissed or kissed someone or was held. I am so lonely.

I don't know if I miss being with Jose or if I just miss having someone... Right now, I think I really do miss Jose. I haven't talked to him in days. I'm so depressed. I just want Jose back.

It's been over a year since I've had anyone. I'm so lonely. I try to look pretty everyday and be nice, but that gets me nowhere. I feel so worthless, like I can't even compete.

With Jose, I was always so pretty and beautiful. And he loved me so much. I don't know where he is. I miss him so much.

I'm crying down. I went into the drawer that had his stuff in it and the lip gloss was there and his clothes and the receipts from Olive Garden.

I stupidly went to his myspace. Saw Frances wall posts, they still hurt even if they are from April.

I am so lonely. I don't even know how to explain it. I feel so pathetic. It's like the loneliness is depressing me and the depression is crippling.

I Know I Know I Know by Tegan and Sara

"I Know I Know I Know"

From hundreds of miles you cry like a baby
You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying
I know I know I know, I'm still your love
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake you
Laugh with me, shout, scream now tell me you're staying
I know I know I know, you're still my love
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
Box after box and you're still by my side
The weather is changing and breaking my stride
I know I know I know, it's just this day
House after house, just like car after car
You see club after club and it all seems so far
I know I know I know what else are we here for
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
Stick your hands inside of my pockets
Keep them warm while I'm still here
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
Last night I was writing about you
I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you
I know I know I know, you're still my love
I wake up to the sound of you working
You're one room right over, stressing and loving me
I know I know I know, be still my love
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
Stick your hands inside of my pockets
Keep them warm while I'm still here
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
Stick your heart inside of my chest
Keep it warm here while we rest
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you

I don't know who you are, but I'm with you.

Today, I went to help out with freshman orientation. I thought it was going to be glamorous and I'd be gorgeous and I'd talk to everyone. Needless to say, it was nothing like that. Within two minutes of being in the high school, I remembered why I didn't get up early in the morning to do my hair and put on make-up. Regardless, I think I do still want to look pretty each day. Being with all the other students though, made me feel so small and stupid and unimportant. I want to be famous. I want to be beautiful. I want to be someone that teenage girls look to and say I want to live her life. Just being in the school though, made that life that I want seem so impossible and far away.

I don't fit in with the guys anymore. They weren't mean to me or anything, but I am just so over everything they do, going to the movies, hanging out and chilling. I just want to focus on things that are important to me in life. I don't know if they're immature by blowing all their money on going out or acting like Juniors in high school. Or maybe I am more mature than them? I don't think so. I am just over all of it. I'm ready to graduate and be in love and get married and live my life.

Walking back to Laura's after orientation, some little girls were selling lemonade and so I bought a cup. As soon as I took a sip, every memory of Rex came flooding back to me. If someone had asked me, what drink we shared at the dance, I would have said, it wasn't water because water was sold out. and that's all the information I could have given. But the first sip brought everything rushing back. I remember it was Old Time Country lemonade. And where we were sitting. And what we were wearing. I just remember it all. I didn't want to finish the lemonade, it was the definition of bittersweet. Every second we spent together was just played through my head and everything he said to me. Just all of it was there.

--------------

I had lemonade for the first time since you
With each sip, I wanted to pass you the cup
Say here's a piece of me, drink it on up

You asked what I wanted to drink and I said whatever you wanted. And you said, "No. What do you want? I'm buying." It was so cute. I never experienced that. A guy buying for me, it was like we were on a date. I loved it. I said, "Oh, water please." And then the water was sold out, so I said, "I'll just share your drink... if that's okay." You were completely okay with it.

We went and sat on the chairs, meant for the wallflowers, that were lined up around the room and shared our lemonade. Passing it back and forth. You said, "I'll tell you something Christina, I like you." The way you said my name, not even that you pronounced it differently, more like just your voice saying my name. If gave me chills, like you were saying my name with want; with the kind of want I have for you. And we talked about liking each other and I asked what you would do if you didn't have a girlfriend. You told me, you'd try to get me alone, get to know me a little better, make a couple jokes and then try to kiss me. I wanted that scenario. I wanted that kiss. I wanted your hands on my body. I want that scenario. And I want that kiss. I want your hands on my body.

He was my orange fanta and you will forever be my Old Time Country lemonade.